A personal accomplishment
I'm celebrating a personal accomplishment. I'm four months sober today. It's actually a huge deal for me and making songwriting is proving to be a very helpful outlet. When I was drinking I always thought it was the alcohol that loosened me up and allowed me to create, but in reality looking back I can see that it actually stopped me from getting anything done. I was too busy socialising and wasting my time to be productive.
The thing that scared me the most about becoming sober was in case it stripped me of any creativity. What if I couldn't write sober? What if I couldn't tap into my feelings without alcohol to get the creative cogs turning? Luckily my fears have been proven wrong and while it has taken me some time to settle into my new sober life, I feel like it has all been worthwhile.
Here is a post I made on my facebook page this morning :
This is a long one so I apologise in advance... I seriously don't know how this has happened. It only feels like last week I was celebrating three months. Time is rushing by. How do I feel four months in? I miss seeing people, I miss laughing until my sides ache, I miss getting drunk and not caring (obviously). I really miss those lazy afternoons when it would just be me and the bar staff. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere. The FOMO some days is so real, and I miss that amazing feeling a couple of drinks in where your brain tells you you are fine and nothing matters.
What I don't miss : The constant stomach aches, the rash that I used to get on my face and down my neck that used to make me feel like I was going to pass out. Wasting the money I had and getting into debt when that money ran out. Feeling angry all the time. The lack of energy. That feeling where you're several drinks in and your brain tells you the world is against you and everything seems worse than it actually is. I don't miss the only focus in my life being finishing work in time for the bar to open, then spending the rest of the day there. The whispering voices of people talking about me, judging me for always being out. Advice from people who, glass in hand, thought it was their place to tell me I had a problem, similarly when I got told there was nothing wrong with me, life is short, enjoy yourself, etc. I'm sure their intentions were good. For me it was never that simple. Back then is all such a blur.
Sometimes part of me wonders if I'd be able to do moderation but I have to remind myself it never worked in the past. One always leads to two, which leads to four and so on.
So here I am, still sober, and although some days are hard, the majority of them are not. Special thanks to Michael who keeps me steady and even, steering me along when my engines occasionally fail. And my close friends who keep me going when I'm having an off day, probably not knowing how much their words and support really mean. Thank you.
It's been a journey so far and I think it will continue to be.
I made some music this morning too, I'll post about that in the next few days.